Every day there are many young lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender* (LGBT) people thinking about coming out. Many hope that coming out will give them freedom to be themselves with the people they love the most. For some, the thought of coming out is the scariest thing imaginable.

If your child is thinking about coming out, you probably don’t know about it. If your child identifies as LGBT, you may not even have the slightest idea. Even if you don’t think you have a gay or transgender child, it’s a good idea to be prepared for any possibility. Below are ways that parents and caregivers can make the days before and after coming out much easier for their children.

If your child hasn’t come out 

Avoid jumping to conclusions. Respect your child’s need to discover and disclose their own identity when they are ready.

If your child is planning to come out, they may be watching for clues to guess how accepting and open you might be. Consider the following tips:

1. Don’t assume. Many parents assume our children will love and marry someone of the opposite sex. Most of us also assume that we know our children’s gender from the minute they are born, if not before. Some parents make assumptions in other ways. We think we know our child is gay or transgender even though they haven’t said anything about it. Avoid jumping to conclusions. Respect your child’s need to discover and disclose their own identity when they are ready.

2. Recognize and address your concerns and fears. Many parents and caregivers have fears about having a gay or transgender child. Parents often feel better when they realize they’re not alone and their questions are answered. If it’s hard for you to accept the idea that your child might be gay or transgender, here are resources that may help.

3. Show that you are open and accepting. Don’t make anti-gay comments or say unkind things about transgender people. This sends a message to your child that it’s not safe to come out to you. Use respectful language when talking about people who are LGBT. Watch TV programs that have LGBTQ characters. Find ways to show acceptance without putting your child on the spot.

4. Be approachable and available. Make time and space for your child to be able to talk to you in private. Give them openings to talk about whatever is on their mind. 

5. Show unconditional love in your actions and words. Tell your child that you love them for who they are and that nothing can change that. Show your love by treating your child with care and respect. This can help give your child the confidence to confide in you.

Your child just came out. Now what?

Coming out to you may have been the bravest thing your child has ever done. Even if it’s hard to hear, let your child know that you appreciate their openness and honesty.

You may be relieved that they finally told you, frantic with fear that they will never live a happy life, or somewhere in between. Now what?

1. Show unconditional love in your actions and words. Remind yourself how much you love your child. Tell your child that you love them for who they are and that nothing can change that. This may be the thing your child most needs to hear. Even if you are uncomfortable with the news, show affection and avoid saying things that are hurtful.

2. Believe them. Most likely, your child has thought about it a lot before coming out to you. Asking questions like “Are you sure?” “How do you know?” “Is this a phase?” won’t make your child feel accepted.  If you question their identity, they may feel that you are rejecting who they are.

3. Acknowledge the courage it took. Coming out to you may have been the bravest thing your child has ever done. Even if it’s hard to hear, let your child know that you appreciate their openness and honesty.

4. Recognize and address your own concerns and fears. If you aren’t thrilled with the news, you don’t have to fake it. It’s okay to let your child know that it is hard for you. Your child probably went through a process to accept their identity and you may need this too. Ask your child to be patient with you and find the support you need.

5. Don’t out your child to others. Your child came out to you, but that doesn’t mean they are ready for everyone in the family to know. Respect that this is their process. Ask permission before discussing it with others. If you need someone to talk to, find a way that you can do this without outing your child.

As with any tips, take what makes sense to you and use your own judgment. Do your best, be forgiving of yourself, and always remember how much you love your child.

About Laurin Mayeno and Out Proud Families

Thanks to Danny Moreno for the photo!

See my Proud Mom Videos here.

*and people of many other identities in the rainbow